Bye Bye Gilbirdie!
by MeganTheNerd
Summary: Oh no! Famous idol/singer, Gilbert, has been drafted into the army! But before he leaves he's going to leave one lucky teenager, Elizabeta, with one last kiss! But what's this? Elizabeta and Roderich are already going steady! Parody of Bye Bye Birdie.
1. We Love You Gilbert!

**A/N:** Hey there kiddos! I'm back with yet another story! I felt like I needed to write a Hetalia story and I was just in Bye Bye Birdie the musical. So after a chat with one of my awesome cracked out friends at two in the morning this idea popped into mind then three days later was actually written and another day later finally put up on FanFic.

_Pairings:_ USAxFem!UK

_Disclaimer:_ I'm fairly sure that this goes without saying but I don't own Bye Bye Birdie, Axis Powers Hetalia or anything else that could possibly get me sued.

Without further adieu (yeah I'll shut up now), I give you…

_**Bye Bye Gilbirdie!~**_

_Scene 1- Alfranlou Music Corporation Office_

A blonde man with blue eyes and a messy business suit sits at a desk piled high with bills and debts. He sits alone in his office trying desperately to find some miss calculation in his numbers.

Dazed he looks out the window at a small yellow canary that has always visited him daily since he started the company.

"Thirty thousand dollars in the red..." he says to the bird "Can you believe it, Gilbird? I've run this company straight into the ground.

Not only that but Gilbert's been drafted. The only singer who could understand my awesome songs let alone sing them is going to be in the army. Even with my heroic-ness I can't magically make thirty thousand bucks appear out of nowhere-"

"But lucky I can do that for you Alfred!" interrupts a pig tailed British woman as she bursts into the room.

"If it's another one of your fairy incantations I don't want to hear it Alice."

"It's not, but that wouldn't work because fairies hate you and wouldn't want to help you anyway. No my idea should help you make enough money to pay those debts, go back to college and then some!"

"Well are you going to tell me or what?"

Alice just smiles and saunters over to sit on Al's desk. "I'll tell you but at a price."

Grabbing her hand Al pleads "Anything you want, Alice, just name it!"

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm absolutely bulletproof, water-tight, solidly, 100% sure! Now will you pleeaaaasssseee tell me?" he whines.

"Alright. For this plan, after it's all over you have to dissolve the company and marry me."

Alfred stares at his assistant in shock for a moment, "No way Ally. You know that would kill daddy!"

Alice pulls her hand from Al's and crosses her arms "Nothing could kill your frog of a father, Alfred. Except maybe a silver bullet."

"Al-fran-lou is me, dad and lou! You know that! I couldn't possibly dissolve the company! As for the whole getting married thingy..." he pauses his rant for a bit, retaking Alice's hands and looking into her forest green eyes, "You know I love you Ally but..."

The Brit sighs "But you love your bleeding father so much more that you'll wait till he says okay. You do know that he's never going to say yes. He hates me."

"Ally-" Al cuts in only to be interrupted.

"Don't you even try to convince me doesn't!" Alice jumps off the desk.

"I suppose you'll only agree after I tell you the plan."

"You're really gonna tell me!" the business man asks practically jumping up and down.

"Not if you keep that up I won't, you git."

"I'll stop," and he does.

"Good. Now try this on for size, suppose we-"

"Try what on? You're not holding anything," the man questions.

"I don't mean it literally. It's a figure of speech. Any who, suppose we have Gilbert go on the Ludwig Welldishidt show, sing a song and kiss all of his fans, symbolically of course he'll really only kiss one girl, just before goes into the big cold army. Why it'll make him the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc!"

Alfred's eyes sparkle with hope and excitement "I'm seeing it! We'll make the song here in New York.

"We take Gilbert on the show-"

"He'll sing the song-"

"Let him kiss the lass-"

"See him off into the army-"

"And live happily ever after. The end," Alice finishes with a smile, "I've already talked to Ludwig and he says were on right after the Moscow Ballet in Columbia, Ohio."

"Ally you're awesome!" he screams as he picks her up and spins her around before kissing her with all his internal happiness.

**A/N : **Woot! Gender bending is kinda fun. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to mix the broadway version and the movie version of the story cuz I just feel like being confusing!

Here's the cast list (so far):

UK: Alice Kirkland = Rose Alverez (or DeLeon if you like the movie better)

USA: Alfred F. Jones = Albert Peterson (They're both called Al!)

PRUSSIA: Gilbert Beilschmidt = Conrad Birdie

HUNGARY: Elizabeta Héderváry = Kim MacAfee

FRANCE: Francis Bonnefoy = Mrs. Peterson

Next up is Telephone Hour! Not sure how I'm gonna pull that off but I'm sure it'll be awesome!

**Song in my head:** Talk Talk Talk by The Ordinary Boys (They're British, Alice is British. It worked in my mind.)

_A healthy argument to start the day, what better way? We chew the fat of life. We're moved to tears. Lend me your ears. But you spend all your time waiting in static shopping lines and all your troublesome debates are solved in glossy magazines. Too much small talk leads to a small mind. So tell me what your views are and I will tell you mine. How's the weather? Grey and boring. It's back to work on Monday morning. Oh, let it go. Tell me things I'd like to know. Frighten me, Enlighten me, oh no._


	2. Telephone Hour

_Scene 2 - Sweet Apple, Ohio_

"SQUEEEEEE!" Elizabeta screamed into her phone, "I mean it was just like a dream Kiku!"

Eli's friend Kiku, while being happy for his friend finally being asked out by her long time crush, Roderich, had been listening to her rant and rave about her new boyfriend for almost two hours straight.

In his politest tone he excused himself from the conversation, "That's good Elizabeta-san, but I'll have to hang up now seeing as it is dinner time."

"Oh wait! Before you hang up I just wanted to tell you that I'm quitting the Gilbert Belldismdit club."

"Are you sure? You were such a good president..."

"Totally sure. I've got my own real life Gilbert now so I don't need the club anymore!"

"If that is what you really want to do then it is fine with me but your spot in the club will always be open if you ever want to come back."

"Thanks but no thanks. Bye Kiku!" she said as she hung up only to dial her friend, Bella's number.

"Hi Bella!"

"Hi Eli."

"What's the story morning glory?"

"What's the word hummingbird? Tell me quick about you and Roderich!"

-A few phone calls later-

Our brunette teenager was staring dreamily at a portrait picture of her Austrian steady when she heard her mother calling her name from downstairs.

"Eli! There's some lady on the phone who wants to speak to you!" Eli's mom yelled.

Running down the stairs at a lightning pace, she grabbed the phone from her with a quick "Thank you Antonia!"

"No problem mi Niño-" Tonia did a double take, "Did you just call me my name?"

"Yeah. Don't give me that look. Calling you your first name makes us seem more like friends don't you think?"

Mrs. Vargas sat down next to her husband on the nearby couch, "Lovi!

Our daughter called me 'Antonia'!"

Mr. Vargas just stared at his wife, "And?"

"It's just weird!"

"Just go eat a goddamn tomato and forget about it," he said turning back to his newspaper.

Mrs. Vargas instantly perked up, "Okay!" she said, skipping to the kitchen without another thought about her former worries.

(Back to Eli)

"Hello?"

"Hello. This is Alice Kirkland. Is this Elizabeta Vargas?"

"Yes."

"Well you'll be happy to know that out of all girls in America, you've been selected to be given a kiss by Gilbert Belldismdit this Saturday. We'll be in touch Miss Vargas!" and with that, that wonderful woman (Eli was in such a state of shock that she forgot her

name) hung up.

"Antonia?" she called weakly.

"Mother?" a little bit louder.

"MOMMY!" she screamed as she nearly had a fan girl spasm.

Mrs. Vargas charged into the room like a raging bull, "What is it?"

she asked as she (literally) caught her offspring in an awkward hug.

"GILBERT BELLDISHMIDT IS COMING TO SWEET APPLE TO KISS ME!" she shrieked.

Watching the whole ordeal was Feliciano, Eli's little brother. Feli wasn't the brightest crayon in the box or the sharpest tool in the shed so he just dismissively shook his head and went back to coloring his picture of a butterfly landing on a flower.

**A/N:** I forgot to include Luddy in the last cast list but I'm fixing it now!

GERMANY: Ludwig Welldismdit – Ed Sullivan

HUNGARY: Elizabeta Vargas – Kim MacAfee

ROMANO: Lovino Vargas – Mr. Harry MacAfee

FEM!SPAIN: Antonia Vargas – Mrs. Doris MacAfee

ITALY: Feliciano Vargas – Randolph MacAfee

JAPAN: Kiku Honda – Ursula

BELGIEM: Bella – Alice (not a main character but I wanted someone to be Alice since I was Alice in the play.)

Song in my head: Mahna Mahna by Cake (No lyrics for this one cause the only words are "Mahna Mahna" and "do" but it's an addicting song none the less!)


	3. Healthy Normal American Boy

Scene 3 - New York Train Station

Alfred meandered up to the platform whistling his new song for Gilbert when he saw a luggage cart with his and Alice's bags.

"Hey kid! Could you get those bags down to track twelve in one piece?" he called to the person pushing the cart, hidden behind the suitcases.

"Since when am I bloody kid you twat?"

Now Al, much like Feli, wasn't the heaviest brick in the bag but he could recognize that telltale accent and slang anywhere. He could also tell when it's owner was pissed off.

"H-hey Alice. Couldn't see you behind the cart. What are you doing?"

Stepping out from behind the tower of bags Alice growled at him "Getting our luggage on the train without any help from you, you wanker."

"I don't suppose a generous tip would help at all?"

"Just take your bloody briefcase" she instructed while throwing said briefcase at him "and get down there before Gilbert gets there. You remember what happened last time the press got there first don't you?"

"I can't. I've gotta wait for papa. He promised to see us off," he stated planting both of his feet defiantly.

"Bonjour!" an overly dramatic French voice screeched.

Al excitedly asked Alice "Ya think that's him?"

Ally rolled her eyes "It's either him or the all clear. I only wish it was the later."

"Son!" purred Alfred's French father "Oh it's been to long!" he said pulling the younger man into a tight hug with his hands roaming a little low for Alice's tastes.

A false cough escaped the British woman "Who's that?" the father questioned.

"Dad you remember Alice Kirkland from the office-"

"This is pretty little Alice Kirkland? I don't believe it. What's wrong Alice? Did you have a sudden shock since the last time I saw you or have you just let those caterpillars weigh down your face?" Francis inquired rudely.

Alice somehow managed to stop herself from cussing out her future father-in-law (sure her eyebrows weren't up to the Frenchman's expectations bit they were nowhere near caterpillar status!) and instead turned to leave "I'll just go take these to the train now."

"By all means _Alice_," Francis stopped her from walking off by grabbing her shoulder and turning her as if to show her off to Al "Just look at how magnefic she looks. It's a wonder that some older man hasn't snatched you up already. What a catch you'd be as a personal servant," he insulted her with that sickeningly sweet French accent of his.

"I really must be going Alfred" she growled from behind a forced grin "Goodbye Francis."

"Call me Mr. Jones." Alice rolled her eyes and stormed away, muttering curses under her breath.

Diary of the Awesome Me

Entry 8,423 - Wednesday

Being a totally sexy pop star can be tough sometimes (but completely amazing and fun the rest of the time). This morning I was getting on a train and all the girls swamped the station. There was press and pictures everywhere. It was all because no one can resist my awesomeness. After the press started asking questions though, it became unawesome cuz Alfred and Alice wouldn't let me answer any of them! Like one of them asks: "Give us the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, are you two really engaged?" and I'm about to gloat about my new hot fiancé when Alfred cuts in with some crap about how we're just "pals" and that huge rock is just a "friendship ring". Who would even buy that BS? Anyway it went like that for a while with my screaming fans, flashing cameras, and fake background stories. You know, the usual. Finally made it to this little Sweet Peach town, or something like that, and the name lies. It is so not sweet here. In fact this is about the most boring town I've ever been to, but now that I'm here I plan on shaking things up a little!

Stay awesome!

-Gilbert Belldismdit

**A/N:** Two chapters in one day? Only when I don't really have to come up with a plot!... Hmmm… That was slightly self insulting… Oh well!

Small change. I wanted Al to keep his last name so Francis is now Mr. Jones instead of Mr. Bonnefoy because I like America more than France (yeah I'm not above picking favorites. I should like Al better because in one of my role plays I'm married to him. You must now refer to me as Mrs. America!)

Song in my head: Florida Sunshine by As Fast As

_You lick your fingers, I'll wipe up the bottles that spilled. I'll just get drunk and you just keep pop, popping your pills. I've got my head in my hands and it's doomsday over nothing. Keep your head up, keep your head up, keep your head up! I'll lay you down in the Florida sunshine if you promise that you will. I gladly gave you something for nothing but then you moved in for the kill. Cause you are crazier than me and I'm crazy for you!_


End file.
